Nurture

Nurture

Right away in the introduction they touch on nurturing being a side effect of self-care and love. I’m sad to say that I have been the humbled student of this subject over and over again. The more tired I am, the angrier I am and as a Mother the more I yell. When my cup is filled, I am far more living. This has been a difficult lesson for me to realize that when I am taking care of me, I am taking care of them. Or in other words, I will be a kind nurturing Mother as
I take care of myself.

This lesson has also inspired me to work through some family attributes that have been passed down to me. My Mother grew up in an extremely broken home. Her Father was abusive, an alcoholic, and he cheated on my grandma. My grandma was very co-depenant and had also grown up in an abusive home. My grandma left my grandpa and my Mom. This information isn’t to overwhelm with personal history, but simply to provide an understanding of how my Mother nurtured me. As is expected of someone that grows up in a broken home, my Mother suffered with depression. Therefore, whenever I would say things to her that were not careful or refined as a young child, she was very resistant to it. She couldn’t understand how I was feeling because she wasn’t in an emotionally healed place. I can only imagine how hard her life was while she was growing up. I would have been an absolute wreck if in her shoes as a child.

I understand that my Mothers story was very painful, yet I’ve learned that it doesn’t discount what I went through in growing up with a Mother who suffered with depression and anxiety. She nurtured the best she could with where she was at, and I am blessed to take the lessons of nurturing she gave to me, and build on them. She gave me a more secure home to be in. I love my Mom. She overcame a lot. It’s also been very healing for me to confront the things that I’ve felt as her daughter. When I would tell my Mom something that all kids say, like “You’re not a good Mom” It was usually because I was upset about something she did, or said and as a young child I couldn’t communicate better than that. Now that I’m a Mother, my kids have said similar things to me. Just like how our lesson taught to show examples of what to say in difficult conversations like these, instead of becoming defensive and offended I’ll ask, “Why do you feel that way?” This gives them a chance to learn to communicate and elaborate feelings when they are upset. The truth is, I probably could have been a better Mom on those days that my kids are upset with me. I try to validate them.

Refrain from Anger

Brigham Young said in Journal of Discourses

I will here say to parents, that kind words and loving actions towards children, will subdue their uneducated natures a great deal better than the rod, or, in other words, than physical punishment. . . . Children who have lived in the sunbeams of parental kindness and affection, when made aware of a parents displeasure, and receive a kind reproof from parental lips, are more thoroughly chastened, than by any physical punishment that could be applied to their persons. It is written, that the Lord "shall smite the earth with the rod of his mouth. " ... Kind looks, kind actions, kind words, and a lovely, holy deportment towards them, will bind our children to us with bands that cannot easily be broken,· while abuse and unkindness will drive them from us, and break asunder every holy tie, that should bind them to us, and to the everlasting covenant in which we are all embraced If my family; and my brethren and sisters, will not be obedient to me on the basis of kindness, and a commendable life before all men, and before the heavens, then farewell to all influence. Earthly kings and potentates obtain influence and power by terrorism, and maintain it by the same means. Had I to obtain power and influence in that way, I should never possess it in this world nor in the next. ⁸

As I said in another homework assignment, I was so touched by Brigham Young’s words that I looked up some history to find out more about what kind of man he was, and specifically how many kids was he a Father to. He had about 56 children! I think that a man with as many children as a king knows what he’s talking about.

Assert Your Right to Respect:

I was relieved to hear that it’s okay to be assertive as a parent. Restating your right to respect in an authoritative tone is an appropriate response children misbehaving. I learned that even letting my kids know when I was angry is appropriate as long as I don’t act on that anger. It’s ok to let them know that their behavior made you upset, and to talk to them about it, or immediately show a consequence if they are younger by taking a toy away.

 I feel less guilty for having the emotion of anger as a parent. The feeling inevitably comes up every single day, but I feel more empowered in my response to not negatively affect my growing children.

References

(Young, Brigham, (1924) Journal of Discourses, https://content.byui.edu/file/d8eb8fca-89c5-4432-a589-59a57e705539/1/SoftSpokenParentpgs_combined.pdf)